If Linux Distributions Were Women…

What would each Linux Distribution be like if it were a woman?

If Red Hat were a woman…

Red Hat is the first of three sisters–Fedora and CentOS–and the bossiest. She pretends to have money, and her family has definitely been involved in plenty of businesses, but everyone knows she’s doesn’t.

Red Hat has been plagued by psychological problems since she was a child, and she has a reputation for it. She had problems resolving her dependency issues, but she’s been medicated regularly for over the years and leads a more-or-less normal life.

If Fedora Core were a woman…

Fedora is a lot like her older sister, but strives not to be. Consequently, she adopted a fashion sense early on, and prides herself on all the things she can do that her older sister can’t. Although, she too has some inner, psychological turmoil.

If CentOS were a woman…

CentOS looks up to her oldest sister, Red Hat, but doesn’t like her obsession with money and power. She bares a striking resemblance to her in fact, and her sister’s reputation in the business world has landed her a lot of great jobs, but she has rich boyfriends so she doesn’t ask for a salary.

If SUSE were a woman…

SUSE is a German foreign exchange student who attends the same school as the Red Hat sisters. She ended up being adopted by an American family and divides her time between the US and Europe. She speaks English very well and is exceptionally polished (if a bit overweight).

Being from the same school and emulating Red Hat, SUSE adopted many of the same issues, though she keeps them hidden under a carefully maintained facade. She is, after all, very well-dressed and very popular.

If openSUSE were a woman…

openSUSE is SUSE’s younger, American-born sibling. Like her sister, she could stand to lose a few pounds, but she’s fairly healthy and the guys like her.

If Debian were a woman…

Debian is an exceptionally idealistic and intelligent woman who spends most of her time reading and expanding her horizons. She is conversant nearly twenty languages, and can carry on introductions in over forty. Given her preoccupation with self-improvement and expansion of her knowledge, she tends to be a bit myopic and forgets the rest of the world. No matter though, her friends quite happily pay regular visits until she is available.

If Gentoo were a woman…

Gentoo was the first girl at her school to become a member of the Robotics club. She looked at the lifestyles of a lot of the other women and decided she could do better. She’s an athlete, and very mindful of her diet. In fact, even though she doesn’t espouse any particular creed, she’s a bit of a vegetarian. Gentoo does err sometimes in being a bit performance minded. If anyone were up at 3 AM the night before a final project, rebuilding the entire model from scratch, it would be Gentoo.

But even with her somewhat brainy and obsessive nature, Gentoo looks great. She can fit into almost any outfit you can imagine, if you give her enough time and space to make them herself, from scratch. She has excellent social life and the road to her house/science lab is well-documented and well travelled, despite all her idiosyncrasies.

If Knoppix were a woman…

Like her distant cousin, SUSE, Knoppix is German born. Though unlike most of the other girls, Knoppix doesn’t really have a home to speak of. She spends most of her time on road trips, and only stops for an occasional emergency to help out a friend. She is extremely versatile and has a well-rounded skillset–she’ll talk to almost anyone–but she doesn’t make the best long-term friends. She is fairly slow to speak and doesn’t like sitting down for conversation.

If Ubuntu were a woman…

Ubuntu is a wildly popular and exceedingly attractive daughter of an African-American diplomat with a fanclub that spans the world over. She is one of several similarly attractive sisters, and generally takes the leading role out of the lot of them (her mother still isn’t sure she’s done having kids yet).

Ubuntu is the niece of Debian, and they spent most of her childhood traveling the globe together. They have had a necessary separating of ways since Ubuntu was old enough to carry on by herself, but the two are more-or-less amicable (if Debian tends to be critical of Ubuntu’s lifestyle choices).

Ubuntu spends a lot of time cultivating her fan base and working with her personal assistants on how to improve her image and acceptance amongst the widest possible audience. A bit of a businesswoman, a bit of a cultural innovator, a bit overrated, Ubuntu is nonetheless the undisputed rock star. She tends to argue if things aren’t done the way she wants, and she’s used to getting her way. Yes, she’s a bit spoiled, but she knows how to show everyone a good time, so she’s used to winning people over in spite of it.

If Linspire were a woman…

Linspire is a bit of a Prima Donna, to be blunt. She used to go by another name, but gave it up after she got beat up after school by the school bully who accused her of trying to capitalize on her (nefarious) popularity. Most of the other girls resent the way she kind of waltzed into school with a bit of an entitled attitude (She’s always talking about how her ideas will change the world). She has her mind made up most of the time (even if she changes it from time-to-time, she’ll never let on), and wants her entire school to join her club (Her club originally asked for dues, but she found that people were just coming to free functions). Nevertheless, she smiles at everyone and holds tutoring sessions for the remedial kids at her school.

If Linux from Scratch were a woman…

LFS is the most inquisitive woman of all. In fact, she asks more of others than her other, decidedly giving women-friends. This does not make her stuck-up by any means, though, as she tends have more of a philosophical quality to her–always asking what you think, and why. She is well known, though you wouldn’t say she’s a popular girl. She tends to hang out at the library and drink coffee (if you make it for her). If Gentoo had the time, she and LFS would probably be really good friends.

If Slackware were a woman…

Slackware is the oldest of the Linux women. She could very well be a Ph.D. candidate at an Ivy League school–she is certainly as smart as her younger friend Gentoo–but doesn’t have any ambition for it. Slackware carefully minds a household of many children and loves her life. She doesn’t wear any of the latest fashions unless an event calls for it and she gets some coaxing from her husband, but underneath her plain exterior she is slim and sexy enough to compete with any woman out there. She’s just too classy to compete.



One Response to “If Linux Distributions Were Women…”

  1. kozmcrae Says:

    How about “If Linux Distributions Were Men”? Or, “If Linux Distributions Were Dogs” which breed would they be and why.


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