Squirrels and flashbacks

Don’t you hate it when there’s something bouncing around in the back of your head but you can’t seem to quite capture and understand it… then it hits you out of the blue… and you feel like a complete idiot for not seeing it before?

I kept wondering why, after all this time, I felt the need to prove myself… to prove someone else’s nasty insinuations were wrong. Then I realized it was something I’d gone through before.

The previous post gives a basic rundown of what happened when I was 15, but until I started getting flashbacks again… I’d forgotten some of the emotional twisting he used to do.

Each morning I’d wake up and not know what kind of mood he would be in. With my mom I could always tell… body language, the kind of noises she made as she moved around the house. With him… Never.

I’d have to walk past and around where he was sleeping. He could fake sleep with the best. I’d only know if he was awake if he grabbed my pants as I walked past.

I think the thing that bothered me the most was that he wasn’t a totally bad guy. But he did have several disgusting attitudes, some from his perversion and some that are typical for his generation. He also had incredibly low self-esteem.

Several times a day, he’d insinuate that I was dating or fucking anyone who I talked to. Male or female, kid, teen, adult, elderly, animal. It was pervasive. He had an attitude of “Well, I’ll accept that for now, but I don’t believe you fully.”

Or he’d joke about chasing after them, like it would be so easy to turn my whole group of friends into his own personal harem. And that it was something I secretly wanted.

I realize now that he was using my insecurities and empathy against me. The more I reassured him, the higher the price of proof was. He did it so that he could keep tabs on me. Getting me to spill about any competition…

He’s also the one that started the “If you do what I like, I’ll flatter you, call you sexy. If you don’t toe the line (which kept moving), I’ll use what you’ve done against you, call you…” well, lets not go there. Let me put it this way… he said some things to Elena that made her jaw drop. Elena’s someone I used to know, she was a waitress for decades at a diner that brought in all types. She’s seen and heard it all.

I’m not a saint, but I’m tired of being tried and convicted for stuff I didn’t do… why do I have to keep proving myself?

It goes back to the “guys perfect the act of outing ladies on the defensive” aka “a guy may have a fault , rather than take care of it, he goes for the offensive. that way , the lady makes do with the defensive” – thank you for that definition, Jerome, by the way.

So, new attitude for the forseeable future. A guy insinuates I’m doing something inappropriate / fucking around, and says it again after I’ve offered reassurance / proof, he’s dropped.

And I don’t go back to exes unless the reason for the breakup is completely resolved.


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